Quest for Faith: Part 4

In my struggle for faith, I've had to re-evaluate my beliefs on God and how he sees women. Being raised fundamentalist, I was taught that certain Biblical passages were proof for the fact that women were to be under the authority of men, and that women were lesser beings than men. I've been told that because I'm a woman, God had certain things that I had to do, certain 'roles' I was to fulfill. This has caused a huge struggle in faith considering that there are also so many verses in the Bible that would seem to indicate that women are equal to men and just as valuable to God. But recalling what I knew of the Old Testament, I started to think that maybe it was true, that God had created women as an inferior creation and that his design was for us to live under the authority of a man, obeying his every whim.

Gender has been one of my main struggles so far and it's something that I have spent a lot of time looking into, and something that I am continuing to study because it seems that it's more complex than it should be. In the Old Testament, in fact in the very first chapter of it, an amazing story is told about how God created human beings. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 NIV. Over time this made me realize that God is both male and female because both men and women are created in his image. This was a huge discovery for me. It's actually extremely important that we realize that God is both male and female and that both genders are made in his image. 

As Michelle A. Gonzalez argues in her article Breaking the Habits of Machismo, that we need a complete overhaul of Christian theology, where we get rid of the notions of patriarchy and we realize and teach that men and women are both truly equal and both truly bearers of the image of God (Gonzales, 2014, p. 20). Holding women back from certain jobs within the church means that we are only getting the perspective of half of the image of God instead of all of it. In order for the church to be balanced in theology, it is important that both men and women are in leadership. For Christians to be able to worship God in spirit and in truth, it is important that both men and women are involved in every aspect of the church. 

I am not claiming that each church needs to have at least one male and one female pastor, but overall within the body of Christ we need to welcome the voices and leadership of women as much as those of men if we want a true reflection of God. With male and female both being created in God's image, it's important that we hear from both when we claim to be hearing from God. We all bear the image of God, we are all equally as important to God. For me this hasn't even scratched the surface and it's a topic that I need to dig into for further study, but for now, I'm glad that God has shown me this much.

Reference:

Gonzales, M A, 2014, 'Breaking the habits of machismo', Sojourners, January 2014, pp. 16-20.

I Am Not Alone (Even When it Feels Like It)

Back in October, after five years of caring for my severely disabled son, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for several weeks and I had to make the difficult decision to allow him to be admitted to an institution for severely disabled children. It was a hard thing to do, and yet, it was the right thing to do. The decision was heartbreaking, there is not many things in life that are more difficult than taking your five year old son into an institution and then walk out without him. 

At first I tried to comfort myself by saying "well, at least he's not dead and I can go and see him", but walking out of a psychiatric hospital and leaving your son there for three weeks knowing he will be admitted to an institution afterwards, just isn't easy. Honestly, sometimes it almost feels like he has died, but unlike the parents who have gone through the heartbreaking experience of having a child die, at least I can see mine. He might not be in my home, but he is flourishing in his new environment, and he has the potential to be the little boy God created him to be. Even thinking like that, however, isn't enough. 

The thing is, I had to cling to God and trust that he knew what was right and good. God had given me this wonderful little boy. When he made him and gave him to me, he knew he would have multiple disabilities. Still, I asked God to somehow comfort me. Going through this it seemed like I was all alone. A lot of days it still feels like that. Other people don't understand why I would "give" my son to an institution, why I would "allow" him to be heavily medicated. It's a lonely journey. Even his brothers and sister don't really understand why he is not living here, but they try. We all love him very much. Which is why I did what was best for him rather than what I wanted to do and keep him at home.

Until this week, I still primarily felt that I was alone. This week my beautiful little boy was transferred to his new facility. I took him to his dorm, and they lead him to a room with three other boys. While my son was the youngest, this scene was somewhat comforting to me. For the first time, I looked around, I saw his three roommates, and thought "wow, these precious boys are some other woman's sons, I'm not the only one who has a son living in an institution." Which made me wonder if all these other women had gone through feelings similar to mine, that they were alone, the sorrow of not having their child live at home, the judgment from others. And, while I haven't met these moms, God had honored my request to comfort me. I realized that even in the most heartbreaking of circumstances, I was not alone. Others have walked this path before me. 

Quest for Faith: Part 3

This Quest for Faith series is something that is hopefully going to be a recurring theme on this blog all year. The thing is that at times, all of us have doubts, all of us at times need to rely on the faith of others, we are weak and need the help of others to get through. Which is the reason I share my struggle with faith because if we are constantly growing, then there will be new doubts, new questions, new things that arise. This is simply my journey which I am pretty much "live blogging" as in, these are the thoughts on faith and life and how it relates to me as I am currently experiencing, the things that I am currently learning.

So a few days ago I bought a new Bible, it is in The Voice translation, which I was hoping would be so new and fresh to me that it would bring the Bible alive, and so far I haven't been disappointed. Last year I read the New Testament through in The Message, which gave me a fresh look. I'm not doing a "read the Bible in a year" program or anything this year, I'm doing a "here is the Bible in fresh language: devour it" program. If I finish next month or in six months, it doesn't matter to me. What my aim is is to see the big picture, the full story that the Bible tells.

Anyway, when it comes to the Bible, why do we call it a book? It's a library really, a collection of 66 books. Each of those 66 books is written by a particular author with a particular literary style, and a particular culture. To me this makes the Bible more valuable, as God's story is being told by a variety of people with a variety of life experiences. Some of it is poetry, some of it is letters, some of it is apocalyptic. These are stories of people who experienced God and who wrote about it in completely different ways. It's a library of people's interactions with God, and that is what is so fascinating about it.

I am hoping that in devouring the Bible, I will learn so many new things about the story of God, and that maybe some of my questions will be answered. One of the things that struck me when reading last night was in Genesis chapter 9.

"Whoever sheds the blood of a human, that person's blood will be shed in return by another for God made humanity in His own image." Genesis 9:6 ~ The Voice.

In the New Testament, Jesus tells us that hating someone in your heart is the same as murder, and for the first time last night, I saw why this was so. Genesis 9:6 tells us that murder is such a huge deal because of the fact that humans were created in the very image of God. That means that when I am having bitter and ugly thoughts against someone, if I have hatred in my heart towards someone, I am totally devaluing the image of God, which is the same thing that happens when a person murders another. Murder, hatred, and bitterness is such a big deal because it shows that we do not value God's image and the people that he made to reflect him. We're telling God that he isn't good enough, or amazing enough. In other words, murder, hatred, bitterness is basically just dissing God. Wow.

That puts bitterness and hatred in a whole different light. Bitterness, hatred and murder all come from the same root and the fruits of them all will be poison.

Quest for Faith: Part 2

This is a re-post from the old blog. The next post in this series will be brand new. :)

One of the compelling things about the House of Night series is how much Zoey trusts in her Goddess, how she has conversations with her Goddess, and how she tries to make the decisions that Nyx would have her make. Of course Zoey struggles with her faith in her Goddess Nyx just as I struggle with my faith in God. There are many times where Zoey messes up, however, she never distrusts Nyx. I want to be at that point with my faith in God, where even when I mess up or when life is just tough, that I continue to put my faith in God despite the circumstances around me. Morgan in the Sweep series is the same, she's entirely devoted to Wicca and immerses herself in it, she learns her history and her heritage and while she doesn't understand everything, she is devoted to the Goddess. While I realize these are just stories, they show me where I want to be, they inspire me to trust.

When God says that all this crap works together for good for those who love him (of course, that's my paraphrase), I need to believe that he really means that. When I can't see in the dark, I need to trust that he means what he says. Yesterday my counselor and I talked about God and my perceptions of him, and how I thought that some people meant less to him than others, and that I was cynical and couldn't understand why I had to go through certain circumstances while other people's lives seemed so cushy right now. He challenged me to look back into my past, and see all the good and bad that happened, and how God used all of it to work good things in my life. While I have lost my husband, I don't regret marrying him, I had four beautiful children with him and I got saved during the time I was with him. If I were still back in Australia I would quite possibly be dead or in jail, but God brought me to a completely new environment with just two suitcases full left of things out of the lifetime of things I had accumulated, and changed my life. Looking at it that way makes me grateful for the things I have gone through.

Since God has worked out all the other ugly things I've been through and used them for good, I need to trust that he can do that with my current circumstances, especially because I have seen him do it time and time again. My situation does not have him confused, nor is he surprised by it. I need to trust that he knows what he is doing and what he is allowing. But some days that just ain't so easy, and my faith does waver. Jesus is the light of the world, so when I am walking in darkness like I am currently, I need to look to him, so that I can see the path. I don't want my faith to be driven with the wind and tossed, not only is it confusing and unstable, but it completely sucks. In the words of Psalm 23: 'Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies, thou anointest my head with oil; my cupt runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.' Psalm 23:5-6 (KJV - King James Version was what I memorized this Psalm in when I was just a small child).

There was something that I read today that just spoke to me in a major way. 'After this a lot of his disciples left. The no longer wanted to be associated with him. Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: "Do you also want to leave?" Peter replied: "Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. We've already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God."' John 6:66-69 (NIV). This is an important Scripture and an important declaration. That is why even in the hardest things I have ever yet had to face, I am still a Christian. Like Peter said, there is nobody else to go to, Jesus is the one that has changed my life. I've already committed my life to him. So while others in similar circumstances might turn their back on God, I have not been able to do that, and it's more to do with Jesus and his beauty than any great accomplishment on my part. I'm mesmerized with Jesus and I can't forget what he has done for me.

This is just scratching the surface of the things that I have been meditating on lately, but I have to say that I am thankful to the few people who have really stood up and challenged me and made me rethink the very way that I view God and the way that I "do" faith. There is so much more that has been going through my mind, so many more thoughts to put down, so I will be back.

A Gift

Yesterday, my friend gave me a gift.
A gift that I treasure.
It was the gift of three little words
my stomach was in nervous knots
I was dreading hearing from her.
And yet her reply,
so gracious,
so beautiful.
Her text message to me read simply:

"I forgive you."

I cried.
It had taken me days
to work up the courage to tell her
what I needed to tell her,
and even then I was a coward
couldn't tell her on the phone,
so instead I sent her a text message
confessing what I had done.
She got back to me about a minute later.

"I forgive you."

It made me wonder
why I hadn't just told her
when it was first on my heart to do so,
or why I hadn't simply told her
when I had talked to her maybe thirty minutes prior on the phone.
The gut wrenching fear that I had screwed up too badly
and she wouldn't even want to acknowledge that I had ever been her friend.
And yet when I said "I'm sorry"
the gracious words that came from her immediately were:

"I forgive you."

She never told me
that she was angry,
disappointed, or upset,
even though she may have been all of those.
Instead, she chose to give me a gift
a gift that offers restoration.
I had tripped, and fallen
She knelt down and took my hand
lifting me back up to her.

"I forgive you."

So then why is it
that I myself
have so much trouble
offering this wonderful gift to others?
It is more blessed
to give, than to receive
if it is so amazing to be a recipient of forgiveness
it must be even more amazing
to offer it to others.

"I forgive you."

Realizing that I need
this gift from others
so often,
why is it so hard
to turn around and give the same gift to others?
The people in my life
are all so precious.
Which means that when they have hurt me or wronged me,
I want to be able to say:

"I forgive you."

Quest for Faith: Part 1

This is a re-post from my old blog as I am still continuing this series.

Over the past several months, my faith has taken a beating, and it has wavered, like it talks about in the book of James, tossed by the wind any which way. I'm going to be writing a series of posts about my quest for faith, because I find that writing helps me sort out my thoughts. But I want those of you who read this to know that I am not making definite statements in this series, I am merely asking questions, trying to figure out where I need to go from here, and ultimately answer the question: "do I choose to trust God, or not?" 

I mean, I know I *need* to trust God, but actually doing it is so much harder. There are times (many times lately) where I have my doubts about God's goodness, my doubts about whether he truly loves me or values me or even really cares what goes on in my life. Many times I have felt like I didn't matter to God, and that I am invisible to everyone else. I've been asking tough answers, and frankly I have been assuming that God was doing things that he may not have been doing that I have blamed him for anyway. 

My church family is my family, they love and support me when everyone else is turned against me. I'm certainly not perfect and not even a person that is vital to the church. Right now I'm prickly and emotional and can't always relate to people the way I want to, and yet they still love and support me. I've screwed up so many times and rather than condemn me, they've been there to help me up and to grow and to change. I can't express how much I love these people, and am thankful that God placed me in this particular family. He knew it was the one that I would need. One day, I hope I am as valuable to the church as they have been to me, I hope that I can help and support them the way they have me. But right now, while I'm hurting and there is darkness that I cannot see through, those in the church who can see further than I, who have been further than I, are there holding my hand and guiding me through this. And every time I've been a jerk and screwed up, I've been met with forgiveness. 

I have so many thoughts going around in my head, several things that I have been struggling with that some people have really challenged my thinking about, as in, rocking my world. As I cried in frustration and said some of the things that I was feeling, a friend challenged me to quit blaming God for things that seem really crappy right now, and to trust God instead. She directed me to the verses in James chapter 1 where it talks about those whose faith wavers are just tossed every which way by the wind, letting every little thing that happens change the direction of their faith. Her words were convicting and they stung deep down in my soul, and while I jokingly told her I didn't like her right now, God was using her. She never told me I was an idiot to be doubting God, never told me off, she just calmly and softly spoke to truth to me even though I had just been yelling at her in frustration. She's a gem, and she will know exactly who she is when she reads this. I was ugly to her, but she was beautiful to me, and challenging me to think about the bigger picture, and the implications of my faith being tossed around in the breeze. She said that faith that didn't trust God wasn't really faith at all, and I know she is right. She usually is. 

So here I am re-evaluating some core issues of my faith. I still believe in God, I am a Christian and Jesus has been doing some amazing stuff in my life and I love him. But it's time to get down to business and really think some of these things through, and then choose whether I am going to trust him completely and with abandon. It's what I need to do and I know it, but in the meantime I have a couple questions and struggles that I have been working through, and today was a major breakthrough for me in a major area, but alas, I shall have to leave the details of that for another day. :)

Goodbye, 2013

I'm a totally different person at the end of 2013 than I was at the beginning. I have been through some crazy and heartbreaking things that I would not wish on anybody, and until just recently I thought that 2013 had been a pretty sucky year and that I would be glad to see it go. While it is indeed time for 2013 to retire, looking back, I have to say that it's been a good year. God has brought me through the trials, and used them to show me who he is. There are a crap ton of things that I have learned this year that I would not have learned without going through what I did and am.

2013 has been a year of surrender, a year of really seeking to find out who God is, a year of drastic life changes that have lead me to a more amazing relationship with God than I ever anticipated. And while I've learned so much and my relationship with God has blossomed (at the start of the year, until just a few weeks ago, I wasn't even sure I liked God, but I loved Jesus), I have so much further to go. I'm not one of these Christians that has a daily "quiet time" with God. It's not that I don't read the Bible and don't pray, but for me, the whole read a chapter of the Bible and a three minute devotional and then pray doesn't work for me. I used to feel guilty about this, as if not having that daily "quiet time" made me a terrible Christian whose relationship with God would always suck. But I have learned that it isn't about having a "quiet time", it's about having a relationship with God. Some days, God and I talk a lot, and other days, just a little. That's how relationships go.

Despite a set "quiet time" not working for me, I do dig in and study the Bible, and I do have open and honest communication with God. It's just that some days I pray as I do things all throughout the day, and do open up and read my Bible at night. Sometimes I am in the Bible all day long, some days I sing worship songs really loud as I drive down the I-59. I talk with friends about the deep things of God, I go to counseling, I read good encouraging books, I'm always learning something. I try to live out my faith day to day, try to demonstrate God to my children. I'm not saying the "quiet time" idea is a bad one or that it doesn't work, it definitely works for a lot of people, but for my relationship with God and the way I do faith, it's not the best fit.

That's what it's about, it's about God, my relationship with him, and loving him with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. I've learned so many things about relationships this year, about my relationship with God and also my relationships with others. The one relationship that I had vowed "till death do us part" didn't quite work out that way for me, and my relationships with others have taken a beating but ultimately come out the better for it. I'm still learning a lot about relationships, because obviously for my marriage to break down I'm not that great at doing relationships. This year I have learned the value of love, peace, grace and forgiveness in relationships, having to forgive others but even more, needing forgiveness from others. I'll be writing a lot about all of that in the new year, because it's been life-changing.

I've learned that part of loving God with my mind is using the intellectual ability he gave me for his glory, which is a big part of why I re-branded the blog. Loving God with my mind means being thankful for and using the academic knowledge that I have been blessed to be able to obtain, but also knowing that faith goes beyond intellect. It means using my skills in writing, communications and sociology as gifts to him and as something that will edify the body of Christ as well as unbelievers. It means furthering my education so that I will have more knowledge and more skills to share, it means trusting God even when things don't make sense.

This overview cannot contain all the amazing things that I have learned this year, which means that while this year has been hard and I wouldn't want to go through these things again, I have learned that God does what he promises when he says that all things work together for good for those who love him. I have learned the importance of peace and unity in the body of Christ, I have learned that God is amazing. Here's to another year of relationship with God, of worshiping in community and doing life and faith with the body of Christ, of learning new things, of being committed to God. In the end I'm thankful to have been through 2013 even though I wouldn't have chosen it if I had known beforehand. And I'm looking forward to 2014.