Goodbye, 2013

I'm a totally different person at the end of 2013 than I was at the beginning. I have been through some crazy and heartbreaking things that I would not wish on anybody, and until just recently I thought that 2013 had been a pretty sucky year and that I would be glad to see it go. While it is indeed time for 2013 to retire, looking back, I have to say that it's been a good year. God has brought me through the trials, and used them to show me who he is. There are a crap ton of things that I have learned this year that I would not have learned without going through what I did and am.

2013 has been a year of surrender, a year of really seeking to find out who God is, a year of drastic life changes that have lead me to a more amazing relationship with God than I ever anticipated. And while I've learned so much and my relationship with God has blossomed (at the start of the year, until just a few weeks ago, I wasn't even sure I liked God, but I loved Jesus), I have so much further to go. I'm not one of these Christians that has a daily "quiet time" with God. It's not that I don't read the Bible and don't pray, but for me, the whole read a chapter of the Bible and a three minute devotional and then pray doesn't work for me. I used to feel guilty about this, as if not having that daily "quiet time" made me a terrible Christian whose relationship with God would always suck. But I have learned that it isn't about having a "quiet time", it's about having a relationship with God. Some days, God and I talk a lot, and other days, just a little. That's how relationships go.

Despite a set "quiet time" not working for me, I do dig in and study the Bible, and I do have open and honest communication with God. It's just that some days I pray as I do things all throughout the day, and do open up and read my Bible at night. Sometimes I am in the Bible all day long, some days I sing worship songs really loud as I drive down the I-59. I talk with friends about the deep things of God, I go to counseling, I read good encouraging books, I'm always learning something. I try to live out my faith day to day, try to demonstrate God to my children. I'm not saying the "quiet time" idea is a bad one or that it doesn't work, it definitely works for a lot of people, but for my relationship with God and the way I do faith, it's not the best fit.

That's what it's about, it's about God, my relationship with him, and loving him with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. I've learned so many things about relationships this year, about my relationship with God and also my relationships with others. The one relationship that I had vowed "till death do us part" didn't quite work out that way for me, and my relationships with others have taken a beating but ultimately come out the better for it. I'm still learning a lot about relationships, because obviously for my marriage to break down I'm not that great at doing relationships. This year I have learned the value of love, peace, grace and forgiveness in relationships, having to forgive others but even more, needing forgiveness from others. I'll be writing a lot about all of that in the new year, because it's been life-changing.

I've learned that part of loving God with my mind is using the intellectual ability he gave me for his glory, which is a big part of why I re-branded the blog. Loving God with my mind means being thankful for and using the academic knowledge that I have been blessed to be able to obtain, but also knowing that faith goes beyond intellect. It means using my skills in writing, communications and sociology as gifts to him and as something that will edify the body of Christ as well as unbelievers. It means furthering my education so that I will have more knowledge and more skills to share, it means trusting God even when things don't make sense.

This overview cannot contain all the amazing things that I have learned this year, which means that while this year has been hard and I wouldn't want to go through these things again, I have learned that God does what he promises when he says that all things work together for good for those who love him. I have learned the importance of peace and unity in the body of Christ, I have learned that God is amazing. Here's to another year of relationship with God, of worshiping in community and doing life and faith with the body of Christ, of learning new things, of being committed to God. In the end I'm thankful to have been through 2013 even though I wouldn't have chosen it if I had known beforehand. And I'm looking forward to 2014.