Over the past several months, my faith has taken a beating, and it has wavered, like it talks about in the book of James, tossed by the wind any which way. I'm going to be writing a series of posts about my quest for faith, because I find that writing helps me sort out my thoughts. But I want those of you who read this to know that I am not making definite statements in this series, I am merely asking questions, trying to figure out where I need to go from here, and ultimately answer the question: "do I choose to trust God, or not?"
I mean, I know I *need* to trust God, but actually doing it is so much harder. There are times (many times lately) where I have my doubts about God's goodness, my doubts about whether he truly loves me or values me or even really cares what goes on in my life. Many times I have felt like I didn't matter to God, and that I am invisible to everyone else. I've been asking tough answers, and frankly I have been assuming that God was doing things that he may not have been doing that I have blamed him for anyway.
My church family is my family, they love and support me when everyone else is turned against me. I'm certainly not perfect and not even a person that is vital to the church. Right now I'm prickly and emotional and can't always relate to people the way I want to, and yet they still love and support me. I've screwed up so many times and rather than condemn me, they've been there to help me up and to grow and to change. I can't express how much I love these people, and am thankful that God placed me in this particular family. He knew it was the one that I would need. One day, I hope I am as valuable to the church as they have been to me, I hope that I can help and support them the way they have me. But right now, while I'm hurting and there is darkness that I cannot see through, those in the church who can see further than I, who have been further than I, are there holding my hand and guiding me through this. And every time I've been a jerk and screwed up, I've been met with forgiveness.
I have so many thoughts going around in my head, several things that I have been struggling with that some people have really challenged my thinking about, as in, rocking my world. As I cried in frustration and said some of the things that I was feeling, a friend challenged me to quit blaming God for things that seem really crappy right now, and to trust God instead. She directed me to the verses in James chapter 1 where it talks about those whose faith wavers are just tossed every which way by the wind, letting every little thing that happens change the direction of their faith. Her words were convicting and they stung deep down in my soul, and while I jokingly told her I didn't like her right now, God was using her. She never told me I was an idiot to be doubting God, never told me off, she just calmly and softly spoke to truth to me even though I had just been yelling at her in frustration. She's a gem, and she will know exactly who she is when she reads this. I was ugly to her, but she was beautiful to me, and challenging me to think about the bigger picture, and the implications of my faith being tossed around in the breeze. She said that faith that didn't trust God wasn't really faith at all, and I know she is right. She usually is.
So here I am re-evaluating some core issues of my faith. I still believe in God, I am a Christian and Jesus has been doing some amazing stuff in my life and I love him. But it's time to get down to business and really think some of these things through, and then choose whether I am going to trust him completely and with abandon. It's what I need to do and I know it, but in the meantime I have a couple questions and struggles that I have been working through, and today was a major breakthrough for me in a major area, but alas, I shall have to leave the details of that for another day. :)
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